hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
