I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am spending my child support on dildos
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
