I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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