Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
