Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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