I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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