The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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