her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
