Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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