It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
