is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
