I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
