Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Randomize
