Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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