White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
