i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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