I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
