I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
