This house was built for laser tag.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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