i already hear my dad disowning me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
