don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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