i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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