Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i need an iv and a liver transplant
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
