So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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