plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize