I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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