I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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