tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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