Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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