Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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