theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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