They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
