I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
tell me about the eggs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
