After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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