A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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