He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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