new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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