I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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