it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
