Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
