I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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