I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
