please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
