first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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