Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
