I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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