i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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