wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
