I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
