remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
