cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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