I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
