I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
