Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize