I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
