Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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