i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
