I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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