My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
