She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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